Open Diary: Entry #1

Below is a written version for those unable to view images

DECEMBER 13, 2022

Dear Diary,

I said I’d never do this again, but here we are. For some reason, you've missed my rants and random journal entries. I was reminded that SAEG was started from the idea that transparency builds communities and communities build freedom. 

These last several weeks have been extremely difficult. The loneliness of depression has crippled my mind and body and made it hard to see anything outside of pain. As a result, I’ve been struggling with old traumas I thought were healed.

In high school I had a close friend who agreed on a suicide pact. For reasons I can’t share, I was unable to make it that day and she decided to do it on her own. I still feel so torn and conflicted. Some days I feel happy that she no longer feels pain and others I feel so upset for her not waiting and having the courage I didn’t. 

You’re still the only person I’ve met who accepted me for who I am and didn’t make this world feel so empty. I wish I could have at least been there to hold you in my arms. To show you, you were loved. To show you that you could be, love.

I just finished reading the book “Everything is F*cked,” by Mark Manson who essentially talks about hope being a major cause for depression and anxiety because it blinds us from the beautiful things in the present. I accept I will always be alone and hate God/Universe for making me so different. However, it’s been hard to find the balance with not wanting more and giving up entirely. How do you master the art of trying without trying? 

Anyways 

I wrote this song for you because you existed. You were real. You were not alone. 

May you continue to float higher, little one.

Float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

One day, one day 

We all float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

One day, one day 

Stay dry that's what they say when it's raining but what do you do 

when your heart is bleeding 

all over your body 

nobody told me how lonely it can be 

to live in your truth 

living proof 

Nothing is free

not even love 

Just to exist we spill blood 

Onto another 

Insides craving a lover

a mother

Something that feels umbilical 

To latch on and hold 

Maybe this is spiritual 

And we should talk less with our words and more with our souls So 

tired talking about things we'll never know 

Baby keep your mouth and your eyes closed 

Free your body out from under those clothes Drift slow 

Till we float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

One day, one day (one day) 

'Cause we all float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

One day, one day (one day)

I met you when the sky was burning 

Eyes purple

tracing clouds drawing deeper in a circle 

Of life 

Out of shape to fight 

Demons who danced in the light 

Daydreaming made it hard 

to sleep through the nights 

Too open to fall 

behind lids 

caused by sight 

As kids saw nothing-

ness 

In everything 

Missed 

all the little things most tend to affix to

Tired of everyone trying to fix you 

Said I felt the same 

Tears mixed with our tissues 

And I blew away your pain 

In our bones

built homes in the form of ideals 

Losing sight of what's real 

Trying not to feel 

Saying 

take this pill 

And be still 

Till we float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

One day, one day (one day) 

'Cause we all float, float, float fly away Float, float, float fly away 

Float, float, float fly away 

One day, one day (one day)